Canadian comic Nathan Macintosh has several platforms for his rants—including a blog and a podcast—but he does his most memorable work onstage. Both funny and educational, his deceptively titled new comedy album I Wasn’t Talking taught us some valuable lessons.

Owning a Chihuahua is dangerous
Macintosh became a reluctant Chihuahua owner when one was unceremoniously dumped on his doorstep. He quickly learned that these dogs are even more delicate than they look. “If you take a Chihuahua out in the cold without a coat, they die. They just die! And then you’re a maniac, just dragging a dead dog down the street.”

Poor people don’t have bullsh*t allergies
Growing up poor, Macintosh was never exposed to the kinds of strangely specific allergies he encounters as an adult. As he sees it, poor people can’t afford to have those kinds of allergies. “I met a guy who told me he was allergic to fruit that has skin on it. That’s a rich kid, man. And also, fruit that has skin? I think you meant to say ‘fruit.’ Just say fruit and be done with it.”

Houses are way scarier than apartments
While some people are terrified of life in the big city, Macintosh would rather be in an urban apartment than an isolated house. As he sees it, houses have one major disadvantage: there are too many places to check for murderers. “There’s not a lot of horror movies that take place in apartment buildings because it would just be Jason standing in the lobby, buzzing the bell, trying to get upstairs.”

McDonald’s night shift workers should be paid more
Macintosh reserves his greatest sympathy for people working the night shift at McDonald’s, an undertaking he compares to zombie warfare. “You’re literally just staring at your watch like, ‘I hope I make it till daybreak… before somebody bites me or kills me.’ They have to wear like a full night uniform with a sword.”

Temporary break-ups are a terrible idea
Macintosh and his girlfriend once took a break from one another, but they don’t plan to do this again. “It’s a really stupid thing, man. It’s just you looking at the person you’re seeing and you’re like, ‘Alright, look. You’re pretty cool, okay? That’s why we’re still doing this. But I’m gonna go see if I can do better than you… and if I can’t, you’re it!”

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