If you’re one of those non-drifter types living in a static dwelling among others who share your need to contribute to society at least five days a week, then you’ve probably checked your fancy pants Faberge Egg calendar to realize that today is Friday the 13th.
The bourgeois brain has been conditioned into believing that the forces of evil rear their wart-encrusted forked tongues only whence a Friday falls upon the 13th day, completely ignorant that hate, misfortune, fear, agony, rats, black cats, and people who put their bag on the seat of the subway lurk around every corner of the calendar.
We present the following fictitious humour piece as an offering to Ian, the Pagan God of Spook, and to warn thee of pending fright for the year 20 hundred and seventeen. Here are five very particular days to watch out for that have more snakes and vampires than Friday the 13th could ever imagine:

Stinker’s Eve

On its surface, Stinker’s Eve isn’t so bad—new smells, albeit stinks, are a part of the circle of stench that begins with standard garbage and ends with whatever innovations are in store for this year. The horrible part is that you never know when it’s going to land (except it'll definitely be in the PM) and that’s scary to those of us with ridged evening schedules. Last year’s cloud fell on the same evening as the funeral for a beloved teacher of mine. Our fond memories of his colourful lessons and signature scent of fresh buttered bread was quickly overshadowed when the latest hits—including the now famous ‘burnt modem’—wafted over the grieving horde.

February 17th - Richard Karn’s Birthday

It should be the happiest day on the calendar but in recent years this annual celebration of one of TVs brightest stars has become something of a slog. Now in his 60th year, KARN has amassed an unfathomable mountain of gifts and treasures, making it next to impossible to find him something he doesn’t already possess. Last year I went DIY and crafted him a brass idol in the shape of a ’67 Corvette only to find several other artisans from around the world had done the same. I, along with those who had made the same mistake were then forced to perform the terribly eerie yogurt churn in KARN’s mess hall, which is getting more crowded every year. I hate to admit it, but it appears that with his wealth of gifts, and cellars overflowing with fresh yogurt, KARN appears to be getting more from us than we get from him…

First Day of School

Logic dictates that you’re the dumbest you’ll ever be on the first day of any school, and we all know what Yoda said: “Dumb leads to stupid, stupid leads to whatever, uh, everything sucks, this is scary”.

Solstice Vein Braiding

Those who think “braids” are something locals do to tourists’ hair to mark them as ripe for taking advantage of probably forget that every solstice a chosen few are selected to get their veins braided. This wasn’t so bad in the old days when it was considered a sacrifice to one’s monarch, but in today’s tech-driven society it means long lines at the radiologist where those braided flock to get pics of their veins to send out to their followers on social media.

Zit Execution at the Town Square

If you’re lucky your municipality fights the scourge of adolescent acne with topical creams and a comprehensive cleansing program. Others are forced to attend more archaic public “executions” one a year wherein dermatologist literally slice whiteheads, blackheads, and full on beamers off the faces of local teenagers. It’s frightful to be a part of, and even scarier to witness, but at least the little guillotine is one of the cutest things EVER.