Another Valentine’s Day has come and gone, leaving you broke, sticky and with a broken chest freezer full of gifts that seemed cute at the time but are now irrelevant and taking up valuable space in your broken chest freezer.

While you could certainly save all unwanted gifts for an impressive Easter Monday bonfire, there are better ways to get rid of them, which we’d like to share with you IMMEDIATELY.



Stuffed Animal

  • Use it to show children how to safely inject drugs
  • Rub bacon on it and see if a snake will eat it. If it does, wait a few hours and see if it explodes.
  • Dress it in jeans and a tee and try to land it a job


Chocolates


  • Take them to a jail and eat them in front of the inmates while making “mmmmm” sounds
  • Glue them to your body and tell people “They’re bruises; I just fought a huge guy”.
  • Melt them into a sweet mud, add to an aquarium, drop a toad in and give it the swamp of its dreams


Lingerie


  • Cut it up into rectangles, make into tea bags, sell on Etsy as ‘Pantea’, make a million dollars
  • Run it up a flagpole, fly at half-mast and salute our nation’s horn dogs
  • Leave it on the doorstep of a funeral home with a note that says “Make a cold one a hot one”.  


Flowers


  • Flush down the toilet as a nice little surprise for the boys down at waste water
  • Dry them, grind them into a fine dust, mix with gun powder, forge a bullet, shoot the person who gave flowers to you, write novel based on experience
  • Stick them in your trumpet to give your opening note some pizazz


Engagement Ring


  • Swallow it, go get an x-ray and tell the technician your stomach said “no”
  • Bury it in deep inside your belly button and make a deal with yourself that you’ll finally go to the gym once it pops out
  • Give it to an anarchistic tomboy