It's Friday night and you find yourself at the movie theatre because your favourite lane at the bowling alley is being used for one of those TV commercials linking a fun, millennial lifestyle with a sporty new hatchback.
You’ve been ignoring movie news lately in favour of a stack of Hardy Boys novels someone left in the bathroom at work so you have no clue what the new releases are about, having to rely on their posters to entice you.
You want to take your time with this decision but the scent of popped corn and petroleum-based butter product urges you to hurry up and choose so you can chow down (you skipped dinner because it’s Shrimp Night at the alley). You hastily form an opinion based solely on the images and titles before you:
The Witch

On her 119th birthday, a witch finally leaves her nest in the woods to explore what New England has to offer. After experiencing and very much enjoying her first bowl of chowder, a Bruins game and a cold beer at Cheers, the witch begins to miss her home, but things get complicated when she meets an urban warlock named Brian who urges her to stay.


A humble baker travels to the imperial palace to present Julius Caesar with a new creation made from risen dough he calls “bread”. But due to a blind rage caused by the death of his favourite lion, Caesar nonchalantly throws the baker out of the throne room without even trying the bread. Later, Caesar finds the loaf behind a vase, tries it, loves it, and decides to anoint the baker as his new prince—only trouble is he’s left town after being embarrassed during the presentation. A Roman gladiator is hired by Caesar to find the baker and “the manhunt that changed the course of human history” begins…


A young sprinter runs back in time to challenge Hitler in the race to end all races.

Embrace of the Serpent

An Amazonian meets the snake of his dreams while out catching bullfrogs one starry night. The pair begins a torrid affair but the snake is perplexed as to why the Amazonian is so hesitant to introduce it to his tribe. It’s revealed that the tribe has hated snakes for centuries and so begins a quest for the man to convince his parents, his shaman and his king to embrace the serpent, but with the annual Snake Massacre and subsequent feast fast approaching, he’ll have to work quickly.