Toronto stand-up Steph Tolev is a seasoned comedy veteran, who has opened for acclaimed acts like Kurt Braunohler, Rob Delaney, Todd Glass, Kyle Kinane, Eugene Mirman, and Brent Morin. (She’s also part of the popular sketch duo known as Ladystache.) But when Tolev’s not on stage, she’s busy learning valuable life lessons, so she can tell you what not to do. Here are three lessons we learned from her debut comedy album, Hot N’ Hungry.

Some auditions are a bad idea

While a wide range of acting opportunities are available to comedians, some are better left ignored. “I go out for some auditions sometimes and… clearly I’m not getting them because I’m here,” she explains. “Most recently, I went out for the voice of a reindeer. So I’m reading through it, I get to the end and the guy’s like, ‘Okay, so now just make some reindeer sounds.’ I’m sorry, reindeer sounds? Are reindeers real?”

Don’t snack on croutons

Tolev has done her share of dieting, but some of her strategic food choices have been problematic. “I've been on a diet for the last 15 years of my life,” she says. “Never really takes. I’m on a diet every goddamned day, so I thought I was doing good, but I started eating croutons like chips. I’ve had like 18 loafs of bread in two days. It’s not good. It’s not going well right now. I’ve been very sick.”

Pick your date location wisely

Thanks to her negative crouton experiences, Tolev is sensitive to the dangers of Ripley’s Aquarium as a date location. “There’s this really fun thing you can do where you can get on a scale and weigh yourself and see how much you’ll be worth as a tuna. This is real. I don't know why I thought it was a really fun game to play on a first date, but I did.”

For more of Steph Tolev’s valuable life lessons, head over to iTunes and download Hot N’ Hungry now!