On this week's episode of Just For Laughs: All Access, Dane Cook doesn’t understand emojis, Robert Kelly cries during reality TV, Michael Che calls for equal rights, Greg Fitzsimmons goes into debt, and Yannis Pappas tries to watch soccer. Here are some highlights from each of their sets:
Dane Cook
Twitter handle: @DaneCook
On why a dude will never win a text argument with a woman: "Girls type f**king fast."
On obscure emojis: "Anyone here using the emoji wearing a surgical mask ever? What is that, in case you're quarantining people after an outbreak of some sort? 'Hey guys, can't catch up with you tonight I'm going to operate on my buddy over here.'"
Robert Kelly
Twitter handle: @robertkelly
On the appropriate reaction to an episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition: "Extreme Home Makeover 'move that bus'? If you don’t cry at that part of the show, when they move a bus to reveal a new house in the projects, you're a serial killer. You've murdered two hookers and three squirrels. There's something wrong with you."
On how much he loves his wife: "I love my wife. I love her. I've wanted her dead. I have."
Michael Che
Twitter handle: @CheThinks
On homophobes: "I'm not homophobic, but I can't judge you if you are. I don't know your life, I can't tell you what to be afraid of. Maybe you have some real spooky gay guys in your neighbourhood that I don’t know about. Maybe you had a gay ghost hide in your closet when you were a kid and they'd jump out and hiss at you."
On human rights: "I'm for equal rights, and I think it's weird that I have to say that. I think it's a weird thing that that's a stance you can have. Where you can say 'I think everybody should have the same rights as everybody else,' and someone else is like, 'Nah, I disagree.'"
Greg Fitzsimmons
Twitter handle: @GregFitzShow
On how extreme marriage is: "Marriage is what happens when two people are in love and then one of them says to the other one, 'I love you so much, I want to spend every day for the rest of my life with you. Unless you don't want to marry me, and then I never want to see you again in my life.' No middle ground!"
On the upside of debt: "Debt means you had more fun than you were supposed to."
Yannis Pappas
Twitter handle: @yannispappas
On phones at restaurants: "You ever notice when you go to lunch or dinner the first thing people do always is take out their phone and put it on the table in front of you like it's a gun in the old wild west? As your story slows down, they just start reaching for it."
On why soccer is boring: "Two and a half hours, nothing happens. I'm convinced at this point the rest of the world likes soccer just to spite the United States."